we've come to a milestone in our relationship.
as every couple does.. they take a picture in front of niagara falls.

i love this boy more than anything in my whole life. hands down
i need him like i need air and water to survive. he IS my life
my love
forever.

i believe our lives can create miracles

back home.
troy is past.. last summer was the LAST summer that i will EVER spend there
the next ones are planned out.. for the most part
live with it

I HATE IT THERE
I WAS SAD AND LONELY
AND I FELT AS IF THE PEOPLE I CALLED "FRIENDS"
WERE NOT MY FRIENDS.

when u spend night after night alone in your bedroom
talking to friends from school
and see who posts on my wall.
it was here that said my name

i hated troy
not the people
even tho SOME people added to the hate
i just didnt like being in a world where i couldn't be myself

i even stayed an extra day to see my best friend
she hung all over her b/f all night
and hardly said boo to me.
i was hurt.

but im back here
weekends are filling up.
wanna see me
give me 2 weeks to a months notice

May 11-13 :: Cousins wedding
May 18-21 :: Niagara Falls for May 2 4
May 26-27 :: cinimatic adventure with frank and the addition of T-bottom
June 23 :: Kaylas going away party at Dance Cave
June 29-July 2 :: Canada Day weekend at Jonos cottage with frank
July 3 :: SCHOOL STARTS FOR ME. so gets harder to make time for u.. art is a lot harder than book work. more time
Aug 17 - 19 :: Camping at Sandbanks

ALL WEEKENDS INBETWEEN ARE GOIN TO BE SPENT WITH FRANK.. unless other plans are made.

bah!

frustration, stress, sadness.. basically all the emotions i hate haunt me right now. i'm so mad at myself for falling last week and breaking the hand i use the most for everything.. everyday things such as writing, typing, DRAWING, PAINTING.. all my artwork, even dressing myself i can hardly do.

and with a broken hand comes the disappointment. i CANT do schoolwork at all.. i dont go to normal college or university. my grades are based off artwork that i put out.. and nothings coming out cause my right hand is broken and incapable of doing any art work at all.

meetings and waiting with the dean of art fundies is the most agonizing thing i have ever had to deal with.

my options are :
- turn in a final proj for each class at the end of the semester
- withdraw from the program and go home then do the 2nd half of 2nd semester in the summer
- get a final standing grade and just be done everything now.

the best choice is the one i don't want. go back to troy till july or w/e. but i have NOTHING in troy besides my family.. and a few friends when they return home from college. sorry.. but everyone there decided to call me a bitch.. say "sorry" then never take the initiative to ever talk to me again.. is that sorry.. and is that how friends really are?! no. stop telling me u miss me.. u dont talk to me ever.. yea it goes both ways.. but i'm never here to talk.. and when i did try.. the convo would just be what i missed. its not funny when i'm not there to witness it. so if i go home.. i have my mom for the day.. and the car to drive to oakville on weekends or when i wont be working to see frank and everyone i love and care for so much here.

i'm an idiot for blowing people off last summer and over christmas that i said i'd hand with but didn't end up doing... feel shitty for that. i promise to hang out with you when i'm down there. adventures with chrissy were my favorite.. taking fun and silly pics while driving to random places in BFE. driving around with lo with the windows down and the music loud when tim didn't come between best friends. going to target and panera with amy.. bc those two places as a pair are awesome.

all bc of my fucking broken are. i feel like shit. i'm waiting to hear what i should do and i hate it. waiting. waiting. dreading to hear "withdraw and finish midway thru the summer portion". meaning.. back to troy. miserable. at least i'd get free manicures and pedicures and my mom would spoil me rotten cause she misses having a girl in the house with her.

but all in all. this fucking sucks

i have to write. emotions just making me numb

waking up to an appreciating phone call.
just makes me feel a bit better that things have settled down
but forgiveness takes time
wounds need to heal

but now memories flash back to me
and it makes me feel so sick

the rush of emotion that came over me that tragic night
over 2 years ago just come back to me now
and the feeling of numbness just cling to me
why does god take innocent people that are so young?
especially when they are in their prime.
i hate it

i learned today that a friend was killed
by a drunk driver
i wasnt super close to him or a best friend
but a friend in general
he was so nice
funny
someone who was fun to hang out with
now gone
raz : i am so glad that i got the opportunity to
get to meet you back in july. you will always have
a place in my heart. you will always be missed and
always remembered

and here i go again
i miss trisha so much
i wonder where she would have gone to college
what she would have studied
if we would still be friends
would she have been in the group that i was in
or would we have just stayed me her and lo
if it was her to go
would it have been another friend?
not a day goes by now
that i dont forget her ((worded right... not sure))
but i love her
miss her
every time i see a butterfly
i think of her
my buddee
a best friend
high school buddy
sam & ella

numb

just

numb.

due to former entries and the bull shit i recieved from them
i have lost the privelage to vent my feelings in here
cause well.. i didnt think anyone read this

the bull shit wasnt appreciated..
dont assume.. just ask me.
not everything is about you
its the city that i dont like
&& that there is nothign for me there
nothing to do with people

but you wouldnt have known that
would you.

next time just ask
instead of bitching.
i was only venting my feelings
which i guess is now drama

next time ill just put it private
solves conflicts.

dani && i partying it up for my 19th celebration!

she always seems to kno how to make me smile
when people make me feel down

yay for the best drinking buddy ever

i feel so sad
i dont like it at all
i fucking hate the grey skies && rain that is every so present
its january. please get cold && snow
or at least just snow on my birthday. 5 days till that :)
thats one thing that makes me happy
till i go back to the states && have to follow the gay 21 age
well to the law yes. to mumsy. not so much. 19 is legal to her
someone will be buying me boozy to keep me happy in summer time
summertime. the time where i want to spend all my time by the pool
in the sun.. being tan.
not happening.
the 9 - 5 full time job will take over
&& i will be one of those people to go to a tanning booth in july
my schedule is fucked up.
instead of being in my classes with all my friends && old teachers
im all alone. with a schedule i dont even know. alone
fucking tuition payment!
god this fucking aweful weather. where is winter?!
why am i so sad feeling today.
i mean. bitchy roomie is gone. randal is moving in tomorrow
shouldn't i be happy about that?
well i am.
god what the fuck is wrong with me
i hate feeling ugly 90% of the time
i hate the feeling of wanting to cry
i wanna eat. i dont have a microwave tho
&& im too impatient to walk to rabba or use the oven
i just want food. makes me feel good.
good think were all drinking tomorrow night.
makes up for the lack of frank in the day
maybe ill just sleep all day. && by the time randal is all moved in
it will be time to drink. && smoke my hookah
oh yea. play twister too.

there's american change on my desk next to me
its dirty and i dont like it
no use for it here.
i want to say here over the summer
no troy. it made me miserable
i hung with my family or at home 60 - 70% of the time home
friends? i'm beginning to see that my best friends are ones here
they dont judge
aren't rude
they listen && understand
back home
clones of A&F or hco. sure i was like that once.
ummm not so much anymore
im not stuck in highschool like them
ew. i hate this


.................................

skies grey
weather cold
trees naked
empty inside

its just one of those days
wintertime puts me in these moods alot
maybe thats why im so irritable lately
i hate snapping at frank :(
i hate feeling stressed over nothing
i hate that i think dani hates me
i hate how i dont think my friends back in troy prob wont come visit me over their thanksgiving
i hate how i dont feel pretty right now... well.. ever

my apartment is a mess
acrylic paint on the livingroom floor
crums.. dishes and mess in the kitchen
grime in the bathroom
dust everywhere
clothes all over my room
i used to hate cleaning. mess never bothered me before
it does now
what the fuck?!

troy was fun.
friends made me happy
it was quite busy
everyone seemed to like frank
i kno i did.. do
seeing trisha was sad
i hated being rushed
the mall was amazing
i cant wait to wear my winter coat
train was lame.
so was the girl who sat across from me
whiny bitch
i missed driving
oh how it was fun to drive
but troy doesnt feel right
i dont live there
its not home anymore
home is now oakville
troy.. thats a break from home

i hate these crummy
cold
windy
oakville days
it should just snow now
instead of looking dead
then i wont feel dead
and maybe i'll feel pretty
since snow is pretty
&& fun

the weather in oakville sucks
i really dont understand why it rains one minute then is sunny the next. reminds me of troy. or michigan in fact. thats stupid. but it rained hard all day today. the stream that runs thru campus looks like it may flood. i bet by tomorrow it will snow and everything will freeze.
oh canada


boy news. franks it. hes mine. my boy. add friend to the end. boyfriend. i smile. he makes me smile. we feed off our need to be center of attention. were each others attention. attention whores. i like it. i like him. hes amazing :)

home to troy nov. 10. i dont want to go. but i am. franks coming with. friends want to meeet him so they can approve. i just need to go to northface and buy my winter coat. cold winter ahead of us.

i hate this geo that i have to do. its easy and annoying. if only mrs zegars wasnt a bitch and passed me. i hate that woman. just as much as i hate sybil. the menopausal painting teacher.

MY ROOMATE ACTUALLY CLEANED TODAY! after my ranting and raving last night about how this place is a dump and im sick of doing all the dishes, garbage and cleaning everything. good. i cant wait till she leaves. i hope its soon. but she is paying for half of that very large cable/internet bill. ill flip if she doesnt. throw her off the balcony. stupid whore.

trishas 2 year is coming up in the next 2 weeks. i dont wanna be sad. i wish i was home for it. i feel bad that im not. ill have to make up for it in november. i dont want people to see me cry here. ill just hide in my room. then get ready for the halloween festivities. halloween will never be the same tho. i miss my buddy. my fisha, ella, t-buddee, high-school buddy.. my best friend. sucks. sucks SO bad shes gone. my 16th birthday gift. the buddee jar. sits on top my desk. her picture on my window ledge. the nemo necklace on the buddee jar. the newspaper clippings up on my wall, next to where i sleep are up again. her memory is here. i just wish i could talk to her again. go back and change that day. she should have slept over with lo and i! things fell apart apart after she left. well they all got good. then everything went to hell. relationships broken. friendships lost. trusts gained. truths discovered.

i need sleep. projects keep me up all night. art isnt easy. it beats studying from books. but 5 hours for a drawing.. multiple ones due on the same day. try that. i kicked ass on my wire bug. its the same. teachers doubt me. people doubt me. and i pull thru and theyre proud. i dont think that will ever change.

I LOVE LOVE LOOOOOVE IT HERE IN CANADA!

- - danielle is my best friend here. shes awesome. and suuch a good friend. a silly card and flowers to make me smile after a bad day shows shes some friend
- - frank is the boy that seems to make me smile constantly. and puts me in this giddy mood where eveything is just grand. taking care of a sick sam is lots of work. but anyone who is willing to do so is amazing! and he makes me longing for more when i have to say goodbye.. and im not tlking about physical shit either. his company just makes me all happy. and i like it. i like it a lot
- - i found the song from the dell commercial. it makes me smile. so does mushaboom and some new others :)
- - i get to go home on friday and see my friends over my thanksgiving break. i havent seen them in a month! its gonna be some reunion! i miss them like crazy.
- - thursday danielle genevieve probably anna maybe jenn and of course me are gonna party ! then have a nice slumber party. before we have to leave for thanksgiving
- - i have to talk to some lady about my transcript tomorrow morning. i hope it goes well
- - alex got really drunk on friday and couldnt walk straight. i guess the walls were spinning. he was talking to us with his head in the toilet. i like drinking and not getting in trouble for it. michigan sucks for that. damn you troy po po's!
- - i seem to yell profanities at random whores on the street when im intoxicated. fuck yo mouf has become a well known phrase around here. i feel successful in that
- - suduko is my passtime when noone is online. ive become quite good at it. making it addictive so i do it when i am talking to people.
- - my roomate drives me nuts. she doesnt clean. doesnt rince her dishes out. put her dishes in the dishwasher or do the garbage. watches tv too loud and always tells me to turn it down when i watch it. sits in her room with the door closed. i dont wanna room with her anymore. OH and bringing people home at 5AM. not cool with me. especially if i have class in the morn.
- - i've picked up my accent since ive moved here. everyone makes fun of the way i say coffee. god. and other words i cant think of. half the time its mixed. i wonder what people back home will think. hmm.
- - tim hortons needs to take debit. would make the line go that much faster. and digging for toonies and loonies isnt the easiest esp. if the line is actually short. and breaking big bills on a $3 meal isnt fun. just more change to make my purse heavier. but i love timmy hors! :) cheap and right there by the A wing. where all my lovely classes are
- - booger is the lamest person i kno. idc if he has terrest add or nything. calling my friend a stupid cunt is unacceptable!
- - hes also squirrelly.. and he wears the same thing too many days in a row.
- - my painting teach is a menopausal bitch.
- - naked people are fun to draw. pastels next week!
- - oakville is beautiful. but trafalgar road is too loud at night.
- - i cannot wait for the first snow fall. yay for taboozing in the revine! ill be nice and warm doing that. hahaha
- - college is amazing. classes are fun. my friends are quite awesome here. tim hortons is a dream come tru. facebook introduced me to frank. walking is my workout. i appreciate things more.
- - ill miss it when i go home friday. i get to see the bestest tho! go to the homecoming game for free. go shopping for more shit i need around this apartment and my winter coat from northface. do some free laundry maybe. chilis with mom would be fun to :)

there is soo much i want to do when i go home. i want chilis. 711. taco hut. hot 'n ready. krispy kreme. a non crowded hollister or AE... or mall in general. to drive a car. to see my best friends. to see those i havent seen in too long. shop with mom. possibly talk to dad on way home. drink slurpees! go to church and see people there i really dont want to see.. but see those who i do want to see. and much much more!

october 6th is coming soon!

college

i love it here! ive only had classes for the last two weeks. and ive made a butt load of friends! my classes are fun... keep in mind its all art classes. im just excited to go see matel in december and be like.. HAHA look what i did.. and look how much i improved!

i drew my first naked person today. she had a HUGE bush. but i like drawing naked people in awkward positions. then again. people are fun to draw. i now have a new veiw of the human body. its beautiful.

so far in the last 3 weeks that ive been here ive talked to only half our friends. i guess they are the only whos who matter. i hate to say it. but i dont wanna waste all my minutes calling them... which btw they never call me. i was upset about it like last week... but im over it now. i ahve new friends. they will never replace the old. but the new keep me company. make me laugh. and tell me who i really am.. not that shit people back home said about me. its nice to be in a place where people are actually nice! and all the girls arent bitches and they guys arent all shallow

&& boys actually like me here!
frank is prob the sweetest person i have ever met. even in my drunken state he didnt take advantage of me like most guys would do. he sat with me. rubbed my head and gave me water and made sure i didnt pass out and die. oh ya. the backrubs are prettty damn amazing! its too early to tell if i like him. but there is an attraction. and ive been told by danielle ((classmate & friend)) and melissa ((my carpool buddy && one of my real bes friends)) that i should date him. i still have to give it time. but he does woo me quite well... point for him.
then theres jeff.
went for coffee on sunday and talked. cute nice... typical preppy abercrombie boy ((not an advertisement like some people i kno)) drove around oakville ((which is the 2nd richest city in canada.. its quite lovely.)) monday went to his place. he made dinner and we watched a movie and hottubbed... in the rain :) ............ but im not getting woo'ed like i want.
all in all
idk. franks nice. suuuuch a sweety and treats girls right. and hes taking me to toronto on saturday.which i am very excited for!!! eaton center will prob be one of the best malls i will ever go to!

"pop" and chip night here on friday. since my roomie goes home every freakin weekend!! haha oh well. hoepfully it will be a good time.

i think the thing i love the most is. im not homesick. if anything. i dont wanna go home to troy. there is noting for me there. i said it before. and i was right.. i did have the fear of being wrong. but i was right. and i looove that im happy here finding people who like me for me.. and my goofy can-merican accent. ((canadian american accents mixed)) and dont think im a bitch.. fucking bitch. but nice funny sam. im acting the same as i did home. must me them back there.. cuz people do like me here. im only coming home to see those i miss the most ((my best girl friends! i loove you! && my family ... cuz i kinda have to stay with them)) if i love it here so much... i could stay the summer here. in my cute apartment.. and work full time here somewhere. who knows. i may go to another school next fall. depending on what i wanna get into by january or so.

my fear is just losing contact with friends. i feel distant enough from them now. who knows. what happens happens. i just hope they kno i will always love them!

coming home oct 6 for the homecoming game!! then cedar point with the girls................................... and tim.. then sunday who knows.. shop prob for my winter coat.. shoes.. and other misc. things i need for this place. then i come home((oakville))on thanksgiving monday. im in canada now................ thanksgiving is in october :)

countdown to move - 5 full days left and i couldnt be happier about leaving! its become insane here. the people... well the guys. are just BAH retarded and i cant wait to leave them behind especially that fucking ex boyfriend who seems to haunt me everyday now. my friends are now his.... and i cant seem to get rid of him. i thought he was gone after i told him off at the mall last week. NOPE didnt work. thanks to me and always responding to text messages....... i let him kno i wasnt gone for another week. so no he hang around me... and the girls who are left.. and the guys. too bad none think very much of him.... well not in the dateable sence.. more like... friend. hes almost like the gay friend................. i still question his sexuality preference. is it girls.... cuz hes THAT metro. or guys.. cuz he comes off gay. and the number of people to tell me this... well that list is quite long. 


GAH I CANNOT WAIT TILL I MOVE && LEAVE FUCKING TROY! i hope i make friends out in oakville. new city... ha even new country. i hope i dont come off as too american... b/c in the eyes of canadians..... americans are arrogant.. well at least thats what the parentals tell me. IM SORRY IF I DONT KNO HOW COLD IT IS IF THE THERMOMETER SAYS 14 C! ive lived here.... in troy.. for the last 16 years of my life. soo... all the schooling was here... learning how to talk was here... even tho everyone thinks i ahve a canadian accent... we'll see when i move.. cuz i definately dont.. i just have it on my A's. buuut.. hey! ill be 19 in.. what? almost 4 months now. happy birthday sam! i already kno im gonna buy myself a nice bottle of hypnotique for myself. i dk if its gonna be a fith or not yet. idk if ill even drink it .. b/c the blue drink inside is just so pretty in the nice bottle. and i dont eeven care how much proof it has.. it tastes good! && yea.. i dc! haha so.


i leave monday. its.... almost 3am wednesday morn. i am not tired. i should pack my room up more.... or start i should say. why do i have sooo many clothes?! i have it divided into a clean basket. dirty whites and dirty colors and darks. w/e ill mix the colors and darks... nothing happens to it... what ev. im uploading my cd's onto this comp... which by the way is like...... 3 days old. i love it. my pretty macbook. which i prob wont need for my art this year... next year for sure. oh speaking of art i got my schedule today. all my classes start at 11 :) made some friends upset.. for they all seem to have 8am classes. haha. too bad i have 2 a day.. and they are all 3 hours.. and end at.... hmm 6pm. oh well. art takes time. i hope i dont fail. and fridays.. i get out at 2.. perfect for the weekend! OH YA..no classes on wed. haha. 


my hands smell like fish and molassass. props to the tastey sushi i had for dinner. and the half of molassass cookie megan made me eat. they are so good :) im mad that we didnt go to little tree tho. its def better than that place next door... grr we didnt even use the 10% off cupon! grr.. im upset now. oh well. maybe next time.. no next time were going to teh good place.. cuz i want pad tai!!! maybe ill atlk my mom into taking me there on thursday after our ikea trip so i can get it. pad tai = <3 my bad mood from all day has left me. a nice chat with melissa and hammond made me feel better. im gonna miss melissa soooooo much. tomorrows her last day. then off to u of m. i really consider her one of my best friends. we are so alike... both shy around those we dont kno... crazy w/ those we do kno. haha and we share the same cravings for parties... haha. oh boy.. summers gone. im sad. good times ive had. and hammond too. ill miss her. im really glad i got to kno her. shes so nice. one more year and she'll be in the same place as us. high school. illmiss pep assemblies .. the class rivalry. def not the classes. ahaha. 

why am i not tired. im just rambling on and on. hopeing SOMEONE will read this and take interest. haha doubtful. what ev i dont wanna leave my best friends behind. 4 hours is a long ways. well 4 for those staying here. 5 - 7 for those at grand vally or central and michigan. i miss those who are gone already. to my best friends <3 melissa lo allison leslie megan lauren && eileen well.. umm address isssss 


501-1229 Marlborough Court 
Oakville, ON, Canada 
ummm nvm i dk the postal code. it has letters and numbers.. yep. different 

im done rambling i hope school brings boys! hot cute canadian boys. 
and people who dont judge. b/c if its anything like here. i will prob kill myself........ figure of speech do not take seriously

♥sam

well..

i leave in basically a month
sears is closed.. and i am happily unemployed .. ill miss that ryan gosling twin tho .. haha
things are weird tho. the guys are gay. well not literally gay.. but they are acting .. gay. ((thats not the right word of choice. but w/e))
i hate knowing that people dont like me
i really do not like getting called stupid and retarded every day. and made fun of cuz i look at people weird when i talk........ dont ask.
or because i give people my honest opinion... they dont like me.
but if i think about it
theyre in high school still. they like the whole drama scene.... stupid high schoolers
im excited to make new friends
scared a bit
but more excited
and all i kno is that i wan a macbook like woah!

i hope i get one. i think my daddy gets a discount at apple : )

he's come back into my life

and i dont kno if its a
good
or
bad thing

help?

graduation is upon us...
in about  36 hours from now... we'll be sitting cap and gown.. awaiting a short walk across a stage............... and it will be final
we will be seniors no more.. no longer protected

senior year was a blast!
i wouldnt trade it for the world
i loooove my friends.. and all the new ones that i made this year
the juniors say our class sucks
well.. i looove the class of oh six!
can any other class say that everyone
for the most part got along? it didnt seem like it mattered really. everyone was ... actually... nice to each other
boys came and went...................... they never seem to stay long
buuuut... come a time in september.. when i will meet new boys........ and they will be better
summer will be awesome
cedar point with some cool dudes. the up north for the fourth. toronto to look for apartments. canoe trip and camping. campin at pinery with the girls. work ending july 23!!!! grad parties. adventures with christina. pool parties and bonfires :) 
all in all
this was the first week of summer
and its been pretty damn awesome!
i cant wait for the rest of it!

but to the class of oh six!
you guys totally kick ass! we made it thru 4 years together.. some of us thru 13 years together. k - 12 way to go.
from our awesome football record! ya 0-9! to us beating the JUNIORS in ppuff! 49-12!!! to the awesome male cheer fans who were awesome at the cheer competitions.

just... everything

how could i also forget that

we have 22 days
till were set into the wild
and summer begins

meaning....
new adventures w/ chrissy
pool parties
bonfires
birmingham coldstone :)
work til end of july
laying in the sun
reading by my pool
hangin w/ some cool dudes
meeting new people
camping in mio
cedar point rollercoasterage
hot days at the beach
sleeping in
fireworks all over the area
and all the other
AMAZiNG things
summer brings us!

come end of august.. im leaving troy
going to toronto
back to the country of birth

prom is saturday
i hope its fun
im going w/ a cute nice boy
who seems to have
some attraction for me

but do i go for it too?

finally what i want..
at the wrong time

ive always asked.
"why do bad things happen
to good people?"
well good is happening now
i think its gods prize
for going thru all the
hardships
with friends
boys . school . art
grades . sleep .
BOYS time and time again
and that wretched
hypocrtite .. the ex

i got into the schoool i wanted
to get into
im moving away from
the hellhole of troy
im gonna grow
emensly
and a cute boy likes me

do i have reason
not to smile?

never again i say now
its like a stupid trap

you say sorry
i forgive
then your mean
then you say sorry
and i forgive
etc etc

im not gonna deal with tthat
im so sick of dealing with that
its pathetic. your game.. fine u win
come summer. your erased.
i dont want to see your face
hear your voice
or hear anything of you
unless you can treat me the same way
you treat everyone else.. i am NO different

but unfortunately
i will never stop caring..
and i hate that
cuz you know.. that im the only one
who cares SO much
for your well being and exsistence

but as of now
go to hell
you lying
hypocrytical
son of a bitch
your act only works on an audience

happy birthday trisha

you would be 18 today

we all miss you so much
i love you bud!

ill never forget you










i still grieve over your loss
and will continue too
until someone is willing to
let me finish properly

thanks for the chat yesterday crys!
made me feel good! love ya girl!

im never going back to troy christian chapel as long as i live

and it all goes to thank
a few certain members
of the tcc senior high yg

i no longer feel
comfertable
welcomed
or loved
in a place where i should feel that most

now i hope
i dont wake up

i dont wanna deal w/ that anymore

childish and stupid.. grow up
im done

and to top it off

trishas birthday is next week
she would be 18
did anyone but me remember?
does anyone even care anymore?